At the same time, I have experienced growing pains in other parts of my life: hard lessons learned, everything that comes with sharing your heart (the good, bad, and the ugly), inexpressible joy and overwhelming sadness; gosh, the list could go on forever. But I'm not entirely sure I've ever experienced growing pains so long withstanding and so real. I feel like the things I am learning are almost tangible; I can daily see my progress or regression. I know my character is being honed and molded with every single day, every single interaction, every single action and reaction.
For example, driving a standard-shift truck. Please laugh, I dare you. This was/is a major hurdle for me to overcome in order for me to feel at home here in Madagascar. When we lived in the States, if I was having a tough day or Chandler was out of town or "just because", the car was my gateway to freedom. I never felt hindered when there was a car in the garage. Then we moved to Madagascar and my working knowledge of a standard and few practice sessions rendered me capable but not confident of my driving abilities. There was a car in the driveway, but no freedom. I felt trapped in the house unless I wanted to walk or take public transportation and even then, I wasn't fully comfortable with that because of language or just being generally uncomfortable being out by myself.
But always in my mind, not in the back, definitely at the forefront, I knew I had to conquer this disabling fear of driving a standard or I would always feel incapable and trapped. So, I took baby steps: driving with Chandler in the car, then driving with Chandler in the car and taking the road that would provide more obstacles (people, stops and starts, hills, bad roads, stops in hills), then driving by myself to pick Chandler up from somewhere, and finally, I have ventured out twice today completely by myself, like Chandler's in the bush and I have no choice because I need groceries. I even forced myself to drive through the market, packed with people, taxis, slow moving carts, darting children, pretty much my driving nightmare, except for those stops on hills situations...
And at each point along this learning journey, I have experienced embarrassment when I killed the engine, frustration because the taxi made a turn at the last minute, and a split-second of fear because it looked like the police officer was going to pull me over. But I've also experienced a great deal of victory, every time I pull back into the driveway and we've all made it unscathed, and confidence that I can, in fact, function independently in this country.
You see, that's the real heftiness behind learning to drive a standard-shift: independence. Its a big deal for me to be able to function here without Chandler. It's critical to my growth as a person and as a missionary.
As with the driving, I realize that so many seemingly trivial hurdles that I am overcoming/will overcome have a deeper impact on me than what they seem at first glance. And then there are those hurdles that have a deep impact right from the get go, like homesickness and loneliness. I know our purpose here is to glorify God through sharing the Gospel with and making disciples (followers of Christ) of those who have never heard or would never have the opportunity to hear if He had not sent us here, but He is also using our time here to refine us, as a family, as believers, and as individuals. It hurts sometimes. Being stretched and tested (not having water for three straight days, except at night, will test anyone in ways you never thought possible, trust me) is not always victories and confidence, but I've learned, in this past (almost) year more about the Lord and what He can do in and through me than in any year before.
