Our one year anniversary of landing on the island was September 29 and, as we all know, so many things happen in a year, so many things change, and you close out the year realizing you've grown more than you ever thought possible, which has definitely been my personal experience.
I think my greatest difficulty in recounting this year, besides having too much to say, is trying to say everything in a way that will make sense to those who haven't experienced it. But I realize that it is impossible despite my best efforts and deepest desire for our friends and family to understand the joys, sorrows, and growing pains of everything that we've been through.
If you've never left your friends and family in your whole life, for a new life thousands of miles away, no words I offer can do justice to the ache in my heart for everything I once took for granted: a place I knew like the back of my hand, a language and culture I didn't have to learn and study to understand, the convenience of family just down the road, the convenience of everything!, friends for Waverly, and a "normal" life for her. In one of our interviews during this process, the interviewer asked me, Why would you want to raise your child in a third world country? And I plainly answered him, Why not? Why wouldn't I want her to have these experiences to enrich her life and perspective on the world?
I seemed, and felt, so confident and looked forward to the experience of raising our children in a third world country where they would be offered perspective unlike any they would receive in middle-class America. I had big ideals that Waverly would fit seamlessly into our new culture. Well, I wasn't wrong about Waverly fitting in, just not seamlessly. And I grossly over-estimated my confidence and excitement about the whole thing. Simply because I was absolutely clueless. I didn't realize how important is to me that Waverly have friends who understand her. And what I mean by that is: I didn't realize how much I want Waverly to have American friends. Just as much as I didn't realize the necessity of ME having American friends, people who just get me. I've missed that more than I thought of the year.
On the other hand, as much as I cannot do justice to the hard parts, I cannot even begin to make you understand my spiritual growth and relationship with the Lord. When I haven't had those friends who just "get me", I've relied heavily on the Lord. Obviously, that's how life should always be; however, fewer things grow a dependence on Him than having all the comforts completely stripped away. I have had times of such severe homesickness that I fully expected to shatter in a million pieces and I couldn't share my struggle with anyone. Chandler had already heard it a thousand times and felt completely helpless and I couldn't put that burden on anyone else, especially not my family. So I cried and I cried out to Him and I scoured His Word to hear His voice. And He always answered, yet it was never by taking me out of the situation. Sometimes He just gave me peace in my spirit; He took away my despair and gave me a new outlook. Sometimes He sent someone along my path with words of encouragement. Sometimes, at the very end of my rope with a situation, He would completely remove the frustration; for example, not having water on any consistent basis. It's a slow spiral of frustration until one day I've just absolutely had it with all things. Then, one glorious day, we will have water almost the entire day. At that point, at my breaking point, He has provided relief and all I can do is praise and thank Him for providing what I need, when I need it. Seriously, I've experienced Him in this way multiple times through various circumstances. I don't know if I would have experienced Him like this if we weren't here right now. So is the pain and difficulty worth it? Absolutely.
No one, not one person, not one missionary, ever told us this would be an easy road and I believed them. I set my expectations at zero from the very beginning and I haven't been disappointed. This has helped me see situations for what they really are: "the testing of [our] faith" (James 1) or the opportunity to praise the Lord for his faithfulness and love for us.
I can't say I've had a moment (yet) where I've hooped and hollered and exclaimed that I will never leave the field because it's the greatest job in the entire world. In fact, there have been many days when I've crumbled in a heap and told God, "Forget it. I'm going home. This is too hard and too uncomfortable." It's in those times that He has picked me up, dusted me off, and told me to get moving because I'm not going home. There is too much work to be done in Madagascar among the Antandroy people.
I love these verses in Psalms and John Piper's comments on them:
I can't say I've had a moment (yet) where I've hooped and hollered and exclaimed that I will never leave the field because it's the greatest job in the entire world. In fact, there have been many days when I've crumbled in a heap and told God, "Forget it. I'm going home. This is too hard and too uncomfortable." It's in those times that He has picked me up, dusted me off, and told me to get moving because I'm not going home. There is too much work to be done in Madagascar among the Antandroy people.
I love these verses in Psalms and John Piper's comments on them:
May those who sow in tears
reap with shouts of joy!
He that goes forth weeping,
bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
bringing his sheaves with him
Psalms 126:5-6
"This psalm teaches the tough truth that there is work to be done whether I am emotionally up for it or not; and it is good for me to do it." - John Piper "Talking to Your Tears" desiringgod.org
I don't need more than a year's experience as a missionary to know that this work is hard. And being human is enough to know that when work gets hard, life gets hard. As with any life situation, there is the good, the bad, and the ugly. I can't sum up this year as just good or just bad or just ugly. It's been an incredible, revolving, ever-changing kaleidoscope.
I used to think my life was boring, now I know it is anything but. Surrendering to HIS plan and purpose for our life set us on the greatest adventure.
